Eric Baker

Selected Status Updates

Now seems like a good time to retreat into the woods for a couple of months and avoid all human contact

Out in the woods I can sell immaculate weekend chalets in the Poconos

Out in the woods my inherent and undeniable worthlessness will not be readily apparent to all the wildlife

Out in the woods I will be the squirrel I want to be in the world

Out in the woods I will learn the ways of the squirrel, befriending them and adding them on social media

Out in the woods I will be alone and thus will have nobody to disappoint anymore

Out in the woods I won’t have to sit next to other people in the train, won’t have to feign interest in my coworkers, and won’t have to dress up for work, rather I can let my appearance gain a rustic hipster vibe

Out in the woods I can listen to Fleet Foxes and it will feel really authentic

Out in the woods I can communicate with people at an extreme distance.

I won’t have to feign enthusiasm in person I can do it from the leisure of my phone.

My emails will be formal and emotionless.

Everything will be bright and pixelated.

None of my emotions will matter they will be washed with glowing screens indicating nothing.

The Internet cannot process pain it is just a highway of information that is mostly concerned with clicking on things, scrolling down to click on things, and typing words into fields to get things to click on, it is my kind of world and it is so kind.

Out in the woods I shall greet the morning sun wordless, with a cool nod like I see in movies.

Out in the woods the morning sun will nod back at me, which typically it can’t do without feeling self-conscious about it.

Out in the woods I will meet other real estate brokers also learning the ways of the squirrel, but I will learn the squirrel ways best.


Eric Baker sells real estate in the tri-state area. He has a loving wife, a libertarian cat, and that’s that.